I would have never imagined that this is what I was created to do.
It is a phenomenon, an internal, spiritual process in which a human being is transforming, growing, expanding, learning about yourself and about the external world. Not everyone will be able to relate or confirm that something like that is real, however, once the awakening starts, there isn’t anything that could stop it, or convince you otherwise about the palpability of its existence. Also resisting it means experimenting more pain, and pain is something this process is meant to alleviate.
Just like you cannot stop yourself physically growing into an adult, in the same way you can halt the spiritual awakening. You can try, but it is not recommended.
I am still attempting to wrap my head around how real, how long, how brave and how transformative the processes of awakening are. Years ago, I recall coming across people online who would post videos about getting through their initiation, talking about days or months of their first dark night of the soul, describing episodes of being able to see beyond the physical, tapping into unnoticed before pools of energy, vitality and insight.
Back then, one might have thought that this was it, this single episode of soul tearing or to some, soul enhancing experience, which was nothing like you have ever experienced before, was meant to change everything about your life. You would have never imagined how vast, how detailed and how prolonged the letting go of pain would be.
The past twenty years, in my case at least, have been nothing but paying attention, studying, and analyzing every single process that has occurred within my being. I personally believe, that it was somehow forced upon me to be fully dedicated to understanding the ins and outs of spiritual awakening.
Now, that I have finally processed my share of suffering, and have overcome my weaknesses and shortcomings, I can compare my awakening to the most intensive boot camp there has ever been set on the surface of the planet Earth – this is perhaps what all individuals feel like when they get through the finish line.
Almost every day was dedicated to opening myself to feeling more, tearing up more walls I have built around pain, expanding the ability of detecting more and exhuming deeper emotions. If not mine, then somebody else’s. None my fears could be disregarded. They stood there patiently, waiting for me to face, process, or to understand them as to why they were there, were did they come from, what they were meant to teach me.
The years of healing were hard.
Once you get disconnected from a physical reality, (this should be explained in extraordinary details) what is visible inside you, feels so alive and at the same time devastatingly overwhelming, you are trying very hard to find your old way back home, go back to where you used to be, unawaken, but you cannot. Again, I was learning that this process without a shadow of a doubt cannot be stopped.
So those years were hard because what I have unnecessarily struggled with, was the desire to connect myself back in the same, old way as I used to be. I was trying to find ways to escape from my growth and humbly “live a quiet life”, which to me meant stopping the inner expedition and completely rejecting the spiritual processes that somehow took over and worked through me without any spiritual anesthesia.
As much as I wished to settle in life free of emotional awareness, I wasn’t allowed to. The inner job had to be completed in spite of me wanting to quit at times.